Yup ... it is THAT time ... the time where I pull off the shade and expose my ugliest of truths.

Below, you are going to see some scary ... scary pictures. These are images that cause my insides to curl up and contract. It is so incredibly difficult to reconcile these images with myself. 

Clearly, this was never how I saw myself... even in the depths of self loathing, I never looked this bad.

This lovely photo is from my 37th birthday ... this would be one year and 5 months ago.

This one makes me laugh because of the look on my face and the sign hanging on the wall behind me. This would have been from the same year ... we're wrapping Christmas pressies ... so early to mid December.

*shudders*

Now for some "afters" ...

As most of you know, in November of 2010, I had a Sleeve Gastrectomy. Since having this procedure completed, I am most pleased to report that I have lost a whopping 85lbs! Not only that, but I have gained mobility, health and an overwhelming freedom to do the things I love ... most importantly ...

*snort* ... he appreciates that, too :)

These were both taken last week (on the 15th, not the 14th ... that damned camera date hates me!) I was headed to work and got Hubs to snap a couple of photos. I still have 64lbs to go to get all the way down to my original goal ... but those jeans I am wearing are 16's ... and that is down from barely squeezing into a 24wide.

It's funny, you know ... I even look at these 'afters' and feel sick to my stomach. The ego is a funny little (or largely out of control) thing. I am so happy I made the decision to go forward with this life changing procedure. The weight is coming off very slowly now ... like a pound or two a week at best ... but it's still coming off.

I have changed so much in the past 5 months, it's almost scary. I booked a trip to a strange city to meet someone who, although she means the world to me - and I believe we are 'sisters from other misters', I have never met her in person before ... and this time last year it would have NEVER happened. 

I guess it's true that you should never say never. 

My husband is nearly bursting with pride at the ways I am changing. He told me the other day that my first goal (which is 26 more pounds) should be sufficient ... and maybe I'll stop trying to lose after that. HA! I love it! He makes comments all the time about me 'picking up another guy' while I am out. As if ... I couldn't have built myself a better life partner if I had been given the primordial goo to do it myself. But I do love that he says it. Gives me a little tickle.

I guess this brings me to the end of this post. This is a hard one for me to put out there. I'm baring all in this one ... be gentle - K?

D-Out

So ... I thought I would do an update post ... it's been a while.

I did not keep track of how much I lost in each month. I can say that as of Sunday morning, I was down 71 lbs ... 3.5 lbs from 1/2 way.

This has been quite a ride, I must say. I went from borderline psychotic impatience leading up to my surgery date, to abject fear the day before and day of surgery, to misery, doubt and regret after the fact (for about a week), to tentative hope after my first weigh in, to excitement at the results and eventually back to psychotic impatience at the speed of which the scale co-operates. My brain scares me sometimes.

I have behaved somewhat like a spoiled child with some aspects of this journey. I have such a difficult time with writing down my daily food intake. I hate it on a level that borders obsession. I can tell you that it is very unusual for me to eat or drink something that is "off plan" or "bad" per se. I did have a 'cheat' weekend - or, I guess really it was just a day this weekend. I had wine ... and multi grain nachos and salsa on Saturday night. (But the wine went a long way to helping me burn off any extra calories and/or fat before the end of the night with hubs) <--- :)!

I have also discovered that exercising is not fun. Even when you have already lost a lot of weight ... even when you go so far as to have 85% of your stomach cut out ... you do not magically wake up the next day with the overwhelming desire to jump on a treadmill, or go to a gym, or even take the dog for a walk. It.Is.Work ... Every.Time! I hate it ... and I struggle with it, every day. I made a deal with myself last week that I would spend 1/2 hour on my treadmill every day for 30 days. I did it Monday and Tuesday and by Wednesday, I was so sore, I just couldn't face it (I had spent four hours swimming in a pool with my kids on the previous Saturday, so every muscle in my body was sore from that) ... so I missed Wed, Thurs and Friday ... then Saturday, I worked in the house like an animal ... and Saturday night ... well ... see above ... and by yesterday, I was so sore again that I skipped last night, too (though we had planned another swimming trip and ran out of time).

The next person that insinuates (even if it is imagined on my part) that this was "the easy way out of my problem" is getting a smack in the mouth ... or possibly lower, depending. I won't minimize the tool that this surgery provides. It is amazing ... but you are kidding yourself if you think for a second that you will not have to work hard to be successful.

I can say now, when being completely honest with myself, that I may have been under the impression that this would come more easily than it does. Not that I am not losing weight ... I continue to do so, but every morning I have to reprogram my inner self... and every afternoon and night ... every time I plan my next meal ... every evening after dinner ... the things that have contributed to my weight gain are all running in the background of the weight loss ... just like viruses on your computer ... they are there ... quietly doing the same damage they started 18 years ago. Every time I step on the scale and it defines my mood, energy and overall commitment to these changes. Every time I see myself in the mirror, and the changes are STILL not fast enough, or good enough ... or when people don't notice I've dropped so much weight ... or, worse, still ... they DO and then ask me what I am doing, and I freeze.

But I AM committed to this. I have a remarkable tool to help me succeed. I am getting closer every day ... and as I make my way through this life altering experience, I am feeling better ... looking better and with a whole lot more work, I will actually BE better.

For those of you just beginning this journey, I wish you strength, love and joy .... because they are what will make you successful, luck has nothing to do with it.

Well ... today I am exactly eleven weeks out from my surgery. That sounds like such a short time ... but it hasn't really felt that way.

The weight loss, though substantial, has started to slow considerably - not that I didn't expect that it would, just that it is hard not to fixate on that stupid effin' scale. It's like it controls my entire mood. My husband has taken to hiding it so I can't look at it.

There have been a few rough patches over the past month - going back to work was a whole lot harder than I thought it would be. Plus, I sit on my arse at a desk all bloody day ... not like when I was home and going like a blue ass fly. Plus, I find the stressiness of my work environment is a little on the unhealthy side anyway ... so the spirits have been a little low and my energy has been zapped. (read - I am not exercising anywhere NEAR where I should be)

On the up side, I am down 65 lbs. I am wearing size 18 pants today ... down from 24 wide.  These are 1 of 3 pair of pants I bought over four years ago at a second hand store that I couldn't fit into at the time, but promised myself I would get into soon ... HA! All three pair fit me now! I also had size 18 JEANS on this past weekend ... for a whole day! (so not just squeezed into and then discarded). There are certainly big changes going on with my body. I really needed to be photo documenting this ... but I'll piece a few pics together in the coming weeks to demonstrate my personal shrinkage.

Otherwise, I am struggling with the winter blues. I hate this time of year. February is usually my hardest month. Hubs and I are planning a short little "trip" with the kids. We're going to book a hotel room and spend a day and night in the city, where we'll take in the T-Rex exhibit at the Museum of Natural History and then the girls can spend the afternoon in the pool (at the hotel) and we'll hit a cool restaurant for dinner and then maybe watch a movie (in bed) in our hotel room. I think they will find that to be TRES KEWL. I find I am wanting for Hubs and I to be able to do something that is 'just us' (except that I kinda feel like offing him just now) but the girls need some special time too ... so I think we'll do this for now - it should help break up the February blahs a bit.

Hubs has started his own business and is finding it to be a little on the stressful side. I have faith that he'll get it figured out. He's determined to involve me in EVERY LITTLE DECISION ... and I know if he was blocking me from it, I'd likely be wild ... but I honestly don't want to be involved. I don't want to do the accounting ... don't want to set up the web site ... don't want to be responsible for making up the invoices or recording messages or designing logos or mailing crap out to people, or making a fucking e-flyer to send out. I just can't bring myself to give a crap about it. (<--- and this really worries me, because I bloody should care)

I know that makes me a selfish wife ... and I also know it is driving him batty that I am so reluctant to jump in ... but since he has been doing this, he has not been doing much of anything else in the house. Plus, I think I spoiled him bad while I was off. I find that with working again, having to come home and figure out a meal for my fussy kids, my husband and my mother ... I have to also try and come up with something for myself that is both nutritionally sound AND won't commit assault on my already battered tummy. Usually, I am clearing away the breakfast dishes that I served to my children the morning before ... (still sitting on the table or counter where they left them ...with dried cereal bits and congealed milk and/or cat slobber - because he has undoubtedly been up at them throughout the day having a feast) in order to have room to cook or set the table. I know - poor me, right? If it's such a big deal, why don't I get up earlier and make certain the breakfast & lunch prep mess is tidy before I leave for work, right? (Just for the record ... his business venture is done FROM HOME ... so he is at home all day, while I am at work and the girls are at school. There is simply no reason why he couldn't take 10 minutes out of his day to load and run the damned dishwasher ...)

WRONG!! I get those kids up every bloody morning and get them ready for school WHILE I am trying to get myself ready for work. I feed them, make their lunches, get them peed, teeth brushed, faces washed, hair brushed, dressed, socks on and into their snow suits (a feat that is substantially more difficult than it sounds - especially since Stretch has taken to arguing about EVERY.FARKING.STEP!!!)... all while I am attempting to spackle and plaster, plus designing both breakfast and lunch ... and snacks that are healthy, tummy friendly AND measured out so I can keep track of my calories/protein/fat/carbs ... 'cause I am supposed to be writing this shit down (no surprise, that I haven't been - right?) All the while, my husband is lounging in BED! Ask me why I have been so fucking cranky for the past few weeks.

So, no! I am NOT interested in taking on any more responsibility in this house! Not with your business, not with ANYTHING! (Geez ... I actually had not articulated any of this to myself and haven't been able to figure out why I have been so hateful to him for the past few weeks ... *light bulb ignites and blows up* ... this blog may well save the life of my husband!)

Well ... I must say, I feel somewhat better having gotten this off my chest. I guess I should really be having this conversation with him. I really don't want to discourage him in any way - I know this opportunity has the potential to be very good for him ... but if some things don't change in this set up, I am afraid things could continue down an ugly path with us ... which essentially means that I will continue my descent into evil three-headed psycho bitch-dom. I would expect he'd rather I just told him.

Guess I should get some work done now. Have a great Tuesday!

D-Out

Sooo ... I managed to pick up a nasty little flu virus a mere 8 weeks after having one entire side of my tummy sewn up with surgical staples ... nice.

I will say that I was pretty scared for a little bit, but I am happy to report I have remained intact in all the important inward-organ-type-places. This flu is a nasty bitch, too. My entire family has had it. It seems to take about 5 - 6 days before it starts to buzz off. I was down for the count on Tuesday ... so incredibly sick, I wanted hubs to smother me ... but he was still too weak to get a good seal on the pillow.

On the up side, I lost 5 pounds! Rough way to do it, but hell - I'll take what I can get!! So ... that brings my grand total to 61 lbs lost!! Gimme a WOOT WOOT!! 

I can safely say at this stage that it is getting noticeable. I put on a pair of pants yesterday (to come into work) that were actually very tight before surgery ... and they were actually dragging on the floor, they are now so loose. Wild, no? They looked horrid, but then - so did I yesterday. I was still really feeling nastified. Today, I am wearing dress pants I haven't had on in close to a year ... and they are LOOSE! 

I haven't done my measurements in a while, and will likely do so on the weekend ... I'm starting to get that Shar pei dog look - lots of loose skin, but the fat is going. (Next stop ... $10K on tummy tuck surgery ... sorry Hubs ... no new cars for a while)

Anyhoo ... my camera is finally working again and I guess I will soon have to start posting pics ... if for no reason other than for posterity. 

I suppose I should go and try to locate some soup or something for sustenance ... I haven't really eaten anything for about 72 hours. This virus means business ... I try to eat, but I just can't do it. Next, I'll be in a stall because my body has gone into starvation mode ... then I'll be pissed!

Hope everyone else is avoiding the plague.

Happy Thursday!!

PS - I FINALLY got money from Employment Insurance ... Y-E-S-T-E-R-D-A-Y!! Nearly NINE weeks later ... UNCOOL, EI ... UNCOOL!

K - so I love Katy Perry ... I keep denying it, but every song she comes out with, I love. Her latest, Firework came on in the car this morning while I was driving to work and I listened a little closer to the words. I have now declared this my theme song for 2011.

I have included the music and lyrics for your listening pleasure ... one thing, the line that says:
"Like a lightening bolt, your heart will GLOW" - not blow ... d'uh...

What's your theme song for this year?

So - I have made it to the 5 week mark after surgery.

I am eating actual food - which is good ... though my ability to eat much of anything is stunted considerably (I suppose that really is the point). I am thrilled to report that as of yesterday afternoon, I have hit the 50 pound mark!!

That's right, boys and girls - I am officially 50 pounds lighter than I was at Halloween this year! That is 2 pounds heavier than my (nearly) 6 year old daughter - and I can scarcely lift her ... it's bizarre to put it into those terms.

A few things I have learned are that first and foremost, I detest exercising just for the sake of exercising ... what a colassal waste of time that seems to be. I know - I know ... I have to do it, but I would far sooner tear around the house doing the magnitude of work that seems magically to appear - as if out of thin air. I still do not have enough hours in the day to do what must be done - even now that I have been off for nearly 6 weeks! Canada's Employment Insurance program has no concept of reality - absolutely none ... if they did, they would not screw with people's lives the way that they do. Here I am on my SIXTH week off and still, I have received NO MONEY! How the hell are people supposed to survive waiting this kind of time to be paid for an approved claim? At this rate, I will be back to work before I get any damned money from them - that is just not right. I mean, really - what am I supposed to do, tell my kids "oh sorry, girls ... Santa can't come this year because Mommy had 3/4 of her gut removed"? Butt Munchers!

Other than money, life is pretty good. I was able to borrow enough to get Christmas together (as best as possible) ... luckily, we have been warning the girls that since their behaviour has been spotty at best, that they best prepare themselves for a reduction in loot. I know this sounds harsh, but from this parent's perspective it's called making the most of a shitty situation ... they are getting less regardless, might as well serve some purpose - right? No worries, they'll still get plenty to open ... just less than last year is all - the whole present thing has gotten outta hand anyway.

Anyhoo - I must go and get some house work done ... we are at 4 sleeps and counting. 

Merry Christmas to you all! Take good care.

D - out

So ... I am three weeks post op today. One more week until I can begin to eat something resembling food ... eggs, soft fish, perhaps some well cooked and mashed veggies ... woot to the hoo!

I have lost a total of 38 lbs. I am NOT supposed to be weighing myself every day ... alas, I have been. I remain stuck at -38 lbs ... for the past WEEK! I am NOT impressed ... not one bit.I will point out that I have lost a total of 17 inches, though and it is quite evident that my body is undergoing some pretty big changes. Mom calls me 'the incredible shrinking woman' ... this doesn't make up for her ignoramus commentary, with which I am assaulted on a semi-regular basis, but it's something, at least.

My body is well recovered. I am able to do most everything I want (well, with the exception of eating). I have been keeping busy decorating for the holidays, cleaning the house, doing laundry and chasing after my kids. I have also been reading, and trying very hard not to allow myself to feel discouraged. I am having wicked second thoughts and doubts about what I have done to myself. (Apparently, this is common ... or so I am learning by continuing my education on this massive life style change.)

The one thing I find the most unsettling is how often I still feel hungry. I do believe that much of it comes from my brain and not from any real dietary need ... but it is bloody powerful. I am usually good until about 4:00 in the afternoon ... this begins my witching hours ... it is pretty much a continual battle of wills between myself and ... well ... myself - until I go to bed (at which point I seldom sleep very well). This is a challenge I didn't expect straight away. I figured it wouldn't be until I started eating real food again that I would be battling cravings and pseudo hunger. It blows, let me tell you.

I have not been doing the structured exercise I was supposed to be doing, though I have been very active around the house. I decided today that it would be wise to get into doing some time on the treadmill and some resistance training. I did 30 minutes on my treadmill (2 of which were jogging ... not too shabby for a fat ass like me). It actually felt surprisingly good. I must do this every day. I am supposed to be doing 60 minutes of structured, sustained exercise every day. I'm going to try to do 30 minutes with resistance bands later this afternoon. Perhaps this will kick start the pounds dropping again. I'm really only eating drinking about 700 - 800 calories per day (if that) I can't imagine why the pounds aren't flying off still. <-- it is super hard not to allow that to mess with my mind.

Anyhoosit ... I guess that is enough of an update for today. For the most part, I am full of energy and fairly happy much of the time. It is evident that the changes in my body are for the better, and THAT, after all was the ultimate goal here ... I was just hoping for the encouraging scale feedback to help fuel the desire.

Until next time, I remain ... fuckin' hungry

D