Friday, May 20, 2011

Some Lessons are Harder Than Others

Some two years ago (nearly to the day, eerily enough), I posted this.

I knew then, that the situation I had involved myself in had come to an end ... and I was okay with that - as much as it stung at the time. He did email me again ... on my birthday that following November. 

I did not respond.

There has been no contact between us since then ... and from the bottom of my heart, I am totally okay with that. It was a truly stupid (and potentially dangerous) thing for me to be messing around with... and it went on for much longer than it ever should have.

There is a sign on a church I drive past every day that says: Don't screw up an apology with an excuse. This is a pretty poignant comment ... it's something I am guilty of ... all.the.time. Today's post will be no exception.

See ... those of you who read this page know that I have experienced somewhat of a transformation over the past several months. I had weight loss surgery and so far have lost 90 of the 144 lbs I want to lose ... honestly, I am thinking another 20 - 30lbs will do it, but we'll see where I land.

I hate to admit this, because it demonstrates all too clearly how superficial and vain I truly am ... but this is a post about truth and I'm coming clean with it ... if for no other reason than so I can sleep again. 

For the past decade (or more) I have been trapped under a pile of weight with the real me lost to the world in all ways ... with the exception of anonymity. On line, I was still 22 year old, hot Dani ... who was funny and quirky and sometimes even 'sessy' ... in a cute and flirtatious kinda way. That was me - Imp (my ONLY nickname from school). It is what the people who have known me the longest refer to as "the old 'Dani'". The person that they are all starting to see 'real time' glimpses of again. I hear it often these days. I honestly don't know if they mean how I look - or how I act ... possibly a bit of both, but it feels SO BLOODY GOOD! 

I mean, I have been reclusive. So full of shame at how I had allowed my body to go so far out of control ... and I COULD NOT fix it. I tried. I honestly did. But the general populace looks at obese people as weak ... or lazy ... or sometimes even stupid. I guess I shouldn't point fingers, since I felt all of that about myself ... and much, much worse. I haven't felt like I deserved anything good in my life for a long time. And the things that are (and have always been) good about my life - that beautiful man to whom I am married and those two gorgeous daughters of mine - well ... that was a fluke in my mind. Something I'd likely screw up one way or another. I have been in a very dark place.

But now ... it's like those first blooms on the trees in the Spring. You know when you look up from your hum drum, work a day life and realize that while you weren't paying attention, everything beautiful in the world came to life again. That is honestly how I feel about me. (Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to insinuate that I am the beautiful bloom ... just that the new and improved me is so much more 'present' in her life.) I am connected to the person I have long related to, at least when playing pretend on line, but couldn't be reconciled to ... until now.

That in mind ... I recently visited his city. 

Now ... until very recently, I had NEVER imagined I would be in a place where I would even consider meeting ANY person who didn't know me in person from the start. People I work with daily (via phone/email etc) have a very different view of me than what would have stood in front of them. People I have connected with over the interwebs ... NO FRICKEN WAY, MAN! Never happen. But now ... well now things look different from my perspective. I am out there (no ... not THAT kind of 'out there' ... well, that too ... but not here). Shopping, buying new clothes ... shoes ... getting my hair done regularly ... having my nails done ... moisturizing, even ... all things I never really bothered with - I mean what was the point, right? When I put the war paint on and get dressed to go out now ... I actually feel good about myself. Not to say there isn't still plenty-o-room for improvement, but I haven't felt like anything short of an ogre for a very ... VERY long time. Then I get on a plane, fly out to a strange city to meet a friend I met here, on my blog (read all about it here) and loved every second of it.

But - all the while, working in the background ... I am thinking about how close 'he' really is. Not that I had any intention of contacting him while there ... too dangerous ... but the fact that I could and I would have been alright with it (mostly). I thought about mailing a note while still in the city ... or possibly even calling from the airport ... but I promised myself before I left home that I would not contact him while there. And, I didn't.

When I got home, however ... the urge did not dissipate. I kept telling myself to sleep on it one more night ... which worked for two nights ... but once back to work, I could wait no longer ... and I emailed him. The note was 'light'. I made reference to the fact that I had been in 'his' city and therefore, he had entered my mind. Mentioned that things were going really great for me (and mine) now ... that "as much as I had damned (his) soul to hell for treating me the way (he) had", I hoped the same could be said for him. I made no insinuation to rekindling our online connection - in fact, I made it clear that at the end of the day, I had been relieved (after recovering from the sting) that it was finished.

This is the EXACT cut and paste of what he sent back - very quickly, I might add (and if he thinks what I sent to him was 'venting' - he's never seen venting):

At least u vented and that is healthy for you - so u shouldn't regret writing.
I seriously cannot communicate with you as I am with someone and do not have room nor the inclination for any female friends.
Sorry to say this but your drama frightens me.
Please respect my privacy and just remember the good times ok.
I seriously cannot have you in my life and am sorry that it hurts you.

Take care and ciao


My drama frightens him? To be crystal clear, the whole reason any of this ever even got started was BECAUSE of "my drama" and my ability to write about it. In fact, when I started my blog, it was to replace him ... as (at best) he was a creative writing assignment for me, and (at worst) he was a boost for my otherwise deflated ego. You guys give me all of that - and so much more ... and I don't have to experience the guilt that always tagged along with that connection (even though my hubby was aware of that 'relationship' and saw it for what it was: a silly flirtation that made me feel good about myself - however briefly ... I would NEVER have been so understanding ... he's a saint, my hubby).

I know that I asked for it by contacting him ... I also wonder if there was any response he could have given that would have been better. I mean - had he been overly receptive, I might have gotten sucked back into that BS ... if he had ignored it, I may have thought he didn't get it, and tried to make contact another way ... that would have been so, SO much worse. And, he could have been meaner about it. I guess I really didn't think it through from start to finish (story of my life) and made yet another stupid, rash decision that got me into trouble. It felt like getting snapped in the face with a wet dish towel (and yes, I DO know what that feels like, thanks). My poor, silly pride has been smarting all week.

At the end of the day, it is all for the best. The answers are right there for me to see. I'll never really know what happened that caused him to drop me on my head so abruptly, but I would expect it had to do with a woman ... a real live one that he could play with for realz. Maybe it really was my "drama" ... I just can't see it, since he thrived on it for all of those years and encouraged me to write about it all.the.time. I have now come to terms with the slight against my pride, and know that I got smacked because I deserved it. I don't believe that I deserved to be treated in the manner that I was by him ... no ... I really didn't deserve that, but I should have left him securely lodged in my past.

My response to his response was a good one. I said: Excellent. I am happy for you. You will never hear from me again. (... and nothing more - which was harder for me than any other part, honestly)

And he won't.


brite said...

I've been a web monkey since the mid 90's, and up until 2007 I was single, so I did a LOT of emailing with (mostly) men, some of it just friendly banter, some of it I really had some hopes pinned to them and each and everyone of them ended because either they (or I, in the end) found someone in real life. This is as it should be and an object lesson in why we shouldn't invest 'too much' in our online relationships.
That said, I know how you feel (felt) and the fact that you are coming out of your coccoon (both literally and figuratively) with so much gratitude and joie de vivre thrills my little corner of the interwebs to no end. Just be happy deserve it and it's not that hard.

Amethyst Anne said...

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes that reason is just to make us smile that day, or lend a helping hand when we need it. Perhaps he came into your life and left so that you would start to blog. Had you not started this blog you wouldn't have an outlet, nor a few of us weirdos out here who adore you!
For shame he never took the time to actually get to know you, or be a true friend. One who sees past their own insecurities and can be there for someone else.
I for one am sorry that he hurt you terribly, but I am also glad and happy in my heart that he left you and you started to blog.
Because, had you not, I would never have met you.
I wouldn't be lucky enough to call you my friend.

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