Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Desperately Seeking Danica

I have a secret. A secret I don't particularly want to share over at my usual haunt, platitude paradise.

It's dark and ugly and I guard it like a wounded child... except that I am ashamed on such a level, I can't think of it as a child ... it's just there ... and awful.

Blogging has been good for me in so many ways, it's hard to sum them all up. So, for me to stop doing something I love so much, it must be for a pretty good reason - right? There are actually a couple of factors. One, because my creative juices look more like the Sahara - and two, because my attention has been focused on something big.

What is it, you ask? 

It's me.

I'm the something that is big... and I am not merely using the word loosely, either. I am approaching a level of big that has already started to affect my life and the way I live it more than a little (like the way I got around saying 'big' again?).

One of the things I enjoy about blogging is the level of anonymity I have been able to maintain. Not about who I am ... you likely have a good read on that. No, it's got to do with my appearance. None (or a very limited few) of you have the slightest idea what I actually look like.

Now, as vain as this may sound, it's actually about so much more than vanity. It's about control ... or in my case, a lack thereof. I can not handle loss of control. I'm a freak that way. I have done so many different things in order to lose weight and get into better physical shape, it boggles the mind to list them. I stopped short at shock therapy ... let's leave it at that, shall we?

Nothing works. 

Well ... to be clear, some things work for a short time ... usually about three months. During that time, I lose a respectable amount of weight (30 - 40lbs) and then mysteriously, it stops... then reverses ... and by the time THAT bus gets stopped, I've not only gained back what I had lost, but another 8 - 10lbs for good measure. This has been happening for YEARS!! In fact, when I first started to diet - I really didn't NEED to for any reason other than vanity --- and I mean stupid vanity here ... like I didn't like the fact that I had a teeny tiny roll I could pull off my tummy if I tried real hard.

So, after doing some research on line and with my doctor, I came to a decision regarding this albatross - I was going to have weight loss surgery. A referral form was sent in September of 2009. I was invited to a group session in March of this year and have been awaiting the clinical appointment to meet with the psychologist, endocrinologist and dietitian as well as the nurse that heads up the program at the hospital in Halifax.

I had a full fuckin' page of blood work done two weeks ago, which resulted in my parting with ELEVEN vials of blood. My appointment was this morning. I am STILL sweating. It was a little on the rough side ... like the Spanish Inquisition, you know. This was the appointment that decided whether or not I am a viable candidate for the procedure ... whether I am mentally capable of dealing with life before, during and after the finer points of this little journey <--so you can see my concern, no? Whether I am physically healthy enough to tolerate it and whether I have done enough of the "before" work to be deemed worthy.
Apparently, I am ... and have ... I'm approved!

What does it mean? Well, it is highly likely that before my 38th birthday in November, I could already be on my way to a healthier, happier existence.

I know this is drastic. Having 80-85% of your stomach cut out of your body is pretty major ... but desperate times call for desperate measures. Conservatively, I have 150lbs to lose. If I listen to what "they" say it's more like 170ish. I'll be perfectly happy with anything near 100lbs off this carcass.
I know there are people in the world that are of the opinion that this is the "easy way out" ... I have to say to them, that I disagree. Trust me - I wouldn't be doing it if I hadn't already exhausted every non surgical  weight loss solution I could try. Right down to "speed".

Man - I feel like I've committed a crime and am asking forgiveness of my peers right now... perhaps they should have looked a little closer at my psyche.

It is going to be quite a journey. I am frightened. If I said anything else, I'd be a liar. This is huge ... but it works, and I think I have covered most of the possible issues that are likely to arise.

I have spectacular support from my guy. He's worried as hell and insists that he loves me just the way I am, but since I have taken such a very long time to come to this conclusion (over 5 years), he is behind me all the way.

I am hoping I can count on you guys too. It's gonna be a long and bumpy road, but I think it will change me in a really positive way.

Whew! I feel better having shared this with you guys. Thanks!

D - out


brite said...

Dani have my unending support, no matter what your endeavor (um...maybe not the killing spree type) and I'm crossing all my fingies and toeses that this major step comes up all roses for you.
Also, I'm with your hub on this one, I love you no matter what you look like, how much you weigh or how many warts you've got sprouting.That said, I know how it feels to be unhappy with how you look/feel and I'm all for 'fixing' it, no matter what it takes.
Here's to a happier, healthier YOU!

Spender said...

I adore you and you have my unending love and support. You are making a very difficult decision and I applaud you for your courage. If there is anything I can do beyond moral support, say the word and I will do anything in my power to make it happen. In the meantime, know that you have my prayers and love.


Melinda said...

I have been struggling with weight all my life. Not just the physical lb.s but the losing the 'fat girl' thoughts no matter what I weigh. I admire you for taking this step! You are going to kick fat's ass!!

Amethyst Anne said... friend, my brain twin. I adore you and you have my support 100%, even if you weren't looking for it. Please remember that I am here- and by here I mean a phone call away!! I mean that!

Xtreme said...

Atta girl! We've got your back, 24/7 - for real, if you need someone to talk to, anytime, you call my wife. I mean that.


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