I have a secret. A secret I don't particularly want to share over at my usual haunt, platitude paradise.
It's dark and ugly and I guard it like a wounded child... except that I am ashamed on such a level, I can't think of it as a child ... it's just there ... and awful.
Now, as vain as this may sound, it's actually about so much more than vanity. It's about control ... or in my case, a lack thereof. I can not handle loss of control. I'm a freak that way. I have done so many different things in order to lose weight and get into better physical shape, it boggles the mind to list them. I stopped short at shock therapy ... let's leave it at that, shall we?
I had a full fuckin' page of blood work done two weeks ago, which resulted in my parting with ELEVEN vials of blood. My appointment was this morning. I am STILL sweating. It was a little on the rough side ... like the Spanish Inquisition, you know. This was the appointment that decided whether or not I am a viable candidate for the procedure ... whether I am mentally capable of dealing with life before, during and after the finer points of this little journey <--so you can see my concern, no? Whether I am physically healthy enough to tolerate it and whether I have done enough of the "before" work to be deemed worthy.
What does it mean? Well, it is highly likely that before my 38th birthday in November, I could already be on my way to a healthier, happier existence.
Man - I feel like I've committed a crime and am asking forgiveness of my peers right now... perhaps they should have looked a little closer at my psyche.
It is going to be quite a journey. I am frightened. If I said anything else, I'd be a liar. This is huge ... but it works, and I think I have covered most of the possible issues that are likely to arise.
I have spectacular support from my guy. He's worried as hell and insists that he loves me just the way I am, but since I have taken such a very long time to come to this conclusion (over 5 years), he is behind me all the way.
I am hoping I can count on you guys too. It's gonna be a long and bumpy road, but I think it will change me in a really positive way.
Whew! I feel better having shared this with you guys. Thanks!
D - out