13 Weeks Out!!

So ... I thought I would do an update post ... it's been a while.

I did not keep track of how much I lost in each month. I can say that as of Sunday morning, I was down 71 lbs ... 3.5 lbs from 1/2 way.

This has been quite a ride, I must say. I went from borderline psychotic impatience leading up to my surgery date, to abject fear the day before and day of surgery, to misery, doubt and regret after the fact (for about a week), to tentative hope after my first weigh in, to excitement at the results and eventually back to psychotic impatience at the speed of which the scale co-operates. My brain scares me sometimes.

I have behaved somewhat like a spoiled child with some aspects of this journey. I have such a difficult time with writing down my daily food intake. I hate it on a level that borders obsession. I can tell you that it is very unusual for me to eat or drink something that is "off plan" or "bad" per se. I did have a 'cheat' weekend - or, I guess really it was just a day this weekend. I had wine ... and multi grain nachos and salsa on Saturday night. (But the wine went a long way to helping me burn off any extra calories and/or fat before the end of the night with hubs) <--- :)!

I have also discovered that exercising is not fun. Even when you have already lost a lot of weight ... even when you go so far as to have 85% of your stomach cut out ... you do not magically wake up the next day with the overwhelming desire to jump on a treadmill, or go to a gym, or even take the dog for a walk. It.Is.Work ... Every.Time! I hate it ... and I struggle with it, every day. I made a deal with myself last week that I would spend 1/2 hour on my treadmill every day for 30 days. I did it Monday and Tuesday and by Wednesday, I was so sore, I just couldn't face it (I had spent four hours swimming in a pool with my kids on the previous Saturday, so every muscle in my body was sore from that) ... so I missed Wed, Thurs and Friday ... then Saturday, I worked in the house like an animal ... and Saturday night ... well ... see above ... and by yesterday, I was so sore again that I skipped last night, too (though we had planned another swimming trip and ran out of time).

The next person that insinuates (even if it is imagined on my part) that this was "the easy way out of my problem" is getting a smack in the mouth ... or possibly lower, depending. I won't minimize the tool that this surgery provides. It is amazing ... but you are kidding yourself if you think for a second that you will not have to work hard to be successful.

I can say now, when being completely honest with myself, that I may have been under the impression that this would come more easily than it does. Not that I am not losing weight ... I continue to do so, but every morning I have to reprogram my inner self... and every afternoon and night ... every time I plan my next meal ... every evening after dinner ... the things that have contributed to my weight gain are all running in the background of the weight loss ... just like viruses on your computer ... they are there ... quietly doing the same damage they started 18 years ago. Every time I step on the scale and it defines my mood, energy and overall commitment to these changes. Every time I see myself in the mirror, and the changes are STILL not fast enough, or good enough ... or when people don't notice I've dropped so much weight ... or, worse, still ... they DO and then ask me what I am doing, and I freeze.

But I AM committed to this. I have a remarkable tool to help me succeed. I am getting closer every day ... and as I make my way through this life altering experience, I am feeling better ... looking better and with a whole lot more work, I will actually BE better.

For those of you just beginning this journey, I wish you strength, love and joy .... because they are what will make you successful, luck has nothing to do with it.