Monday, February 14, 2011

13 Weeks Out!!

So ... I thought I would do an update post ... it's been a while.

I did not keep track of how much I lost in each month. I can say that as of Sunday morning, I was down 71 lbs ... 3.5 lbs from 1/2 way.

This has been quite a ride, I must say. I went from borderline psychotic impatience leading up to my surgery date, to abject fear the day before and day of surgery, to misery, doubt and regret after the fact (for about a week), to tentative hope after my first weigh in, to excitement at the results and eventually back to psychotic impatience at the speed of which the scale co-operates. My brain scares me sometimes.

I have behaved somewhat like a spoiled child with some aspects of this journey. I have such a difficult time with writing down my daily food intake. I hate it on a level that borders obsession. I can tell you that it is very unusual for me to eat or drink something that is "off plan" or "bad" per se. I did have a 'cheat' weekend - or, I guess really it was just a day this weekend. I had wine ... and multi grain nachos and salsa on Saturday night. (But the wine went a long way to helping me burn off any extra calories and/or fat before the end of the night with hubs) <--- :)!

I have also discovered that exercising is not fun. Even when you have already lost a lot of weight ... even when you go so far as to have 85% of your stomach cut out ... you do not magically wake up the next day with the overwhelming desire to jump on a treadmill, or go to a gym, or even take the dog for a walk. It.Is.Work ... Every.Time! I hate it ... and I struggle with it, every day. I made a deal with myself last week that I would spend 1/2 hour on my treadmill every day for 30 days. I did it Monday and Tuesday and by Wednesday, I was so sore, I just couldn't face it (I had spent four hours swimming in a pool with my kids on the previous Saturday, so every muscle in my body was sore from that) ... so I missed Wed, Thurs and Friday ... then Saturday, I worked in the house like an animal ... and Saturday night ... well ... see above ... and by yesterday, I was so sore again that I skipped last night, too (though we had planned another swimming trip and ran out of time).

The next person that insinuates (even if it is imagined on my part) that this was "the easy way out of my problem" is getting a smack in the mouth ... or possibly lower, depending. I won't minimize the tool that this surgery provides. It is amazing ... but you are kidding yourself if you think for a second that you will not have to work hard to be successful.

I can say now, when being completely honest with myself, that I may have been under the impression that this would come more easily than it does. Not that I am not losing weight ... I continue to do so, but every morning I have to reprogram my inner self... and every afternoon and night ... every time I plan my next meal ... every evening after dinner ... the things that have contributed to my weight gain are all running in the background of the weight loss ... just like viruses on your computer ... they are there ... quietly doing the same damage they started 18 years ago. Every time I step on the scale and it defines my mood, energy and overall commitment to these changes. Every time I see myself in the mirror, and the changes are STILL not fast enough, or good enough ... or when people don't notice I've dropped so much weight ... or, worse, still ... they DO and then ask me what I am doing, and I freeze.

But I AM committed to this. I have a remarkable tool to help me succeed. I am getting closer every day ... and as I make my way through this life altering experience, I am feeling better ... looking better and with a whole lot more work, I will actually BE better.

For those of you just beginning this journey, I wish you strength, love and joy .... because they are what will make you successful, luck has nothing to do with it.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Eleven Weeks Out

Well ... today I am exactly eleven weeks out from my surgery. That sounds like such a short time ... but it hasn't really felt that way.

The weight loss, though substantial, has started to slow considerably - not that I didn't expect that it would, just that it is hard not to fixate on that stupid effin' scale. It's like it controls my entire mood. My husband has taken to hiding it so I can't look at it.

There have been a few rough patches over the past month - going back to work was a whole lot harder than I thought it would be. Plus, I sit on my arse at a desk all bloody day ... not like when I was home and going like a blue ass fly. Plus, I find the stressiness of my work environment is a little on the unhealthy side anyway ... so the spirits have been a little low and my energy has been zapped. (read - I am not exercising anywhere NEAR where I should be)

On the up side, I am down 65 lbs. I am wearing size 18 pants today ... down from 24 wide.  These are 1 of 3 pair of pants I bought over four years ago at a second hand store that I couldn't fit into at the time, but promised myself I would get into soon ... HA! All three pair fit me now! I also had size 18 JEANS on this past weekend ... for a whole day! (so not just squeezed into and then discarded). There are certainly big changes going on with my body. I really needed to be photo documenting this ... but I'll piece a few pics together in the coming weeks to demonstrate my personal shrinkage.

Otherwise, I am struggling with the winter blues. I hate this time of year. February is usually my hardest month. Hubs and I are planning a short little "trip" with the kids. We're going to book a hotel room and spend a day and night in the city, where we'll take in the T-Rex exhibit at the Museum of Natural History and then the girls can spend the afternoon in the pool (at the hotel) and we'll hit a cool restaurant for dinner and then maybe watch a movie (in bed) in our hotel room. I think they will find that to be TRES KEWL. I find I am wanting for Hubs and I to be able to do something that is 'just us' (except that I kinda feel like offing him just now) but the girls need some special time too ... so I think we'll do this for now - it should help break up the February blahs a bit.

Hubs has started his own business and is finding it to be a little on the stressful side. I have faith that he'll get it figured out. He's determined to involve me in EVERY LITTLE DECISION ... and I know if he was blocking me from it, I'd likely be wild ... but I honestly don't want to be involved. I don't want to do the accounting ... don't want to set up the web site ... don't want to be responsible for making up the invoices or recording messages or designing logos or mailing crap out to people, or making a fucking e-flyer to send out. I just can't bring myself to give a crap about it. (<--- and this really worries me, because I bloody should care)

I know that makes me a selfish wife ... and I also know it is driving him batty that I am so reluctant to jump in ... but since he has been doing this, he has not been doing much of anything else in the house. Plus, I think I spoiled him bad while I was off. I find that with working again, having to come home and figure out a meal for my fussy kids, my husband and my mother ... I have to also try and come up with something for myself that is both nutritionally sound AND won't commit assault on my already battered tummy. Usually, I am clearing away the breakfast dishes that I served to my children the morning before ... (still sitting on the table or counter where they left them ...with dried cereal bits and congealed milk and/or cat slobber - because he has undoubtedly been up at them throughout the day having a feast) in order to have room to cook or set the table. I know - poor me, right? If it's such a big deal, why don't I get up earlier and make certain the breakfast & lunch prep mess is tidy before I leave for work, right? (Just for the record ... his business venture is done FROM HOME ... so he is at home all day, while I am at work and the girls are at school. There is simply no reason why he couldn't take 10 minutes out of his day to load and run the damned dishwasher ...)

WRONG!! I get those kids up every bloody morning and get them ready for school WHILE I am trying to get myself ready for work. I feed them, make their lunches, get them peed, teeth brushed, faces washed, hair brushed, dressed, socks on and into their snow suits (a feat that is substantially more difficult than it sounds - especially since Stretch has taken to arguing about EVERY.FARKING.STEP!!!)... all while I am attempting to spackle and plaster, plus designing both breakfast and lunch ... and snacks that are healthy, tummy friendly AND measured out so I can keep track of my calories/protein/fat/carbs ... 'cause I am supposed to be writing this shit down (no surprise, that I haven't been - right?) All the while, my husband is lounging in BED! Ask me why I have been so fucking cranky for the past few weeks.

So, no! I am NOT interested in taking on any more responsibility in this house! Not with your business, not with ANYTHING! (Geez ... I actually had not articulated any of this to myself and haven't been able to figure out why I have been so hateful to him for the past few weeks ... *light bulb ignites and blows up* ... this blog may well save the life of my husband!)
Well ... I must say, I feel somewhat better having gotten this off my chest. I guess I should really be having this conversation with him. I really don't want to discourage him in any way - I know this opportunity has the potential to be very good for him ... but if some things don't change in this set up, I am afraid things could continue down an ugly path with us ... which essentially means that I will continue my descent into evil three-headed psycho bitch-dom. I would expect he'd rather I just told him.

Guess I should get some work done now. Have a great Tuesday!


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